Things I’ll Never Understand: How Anyone Can Like Jurassic Park 3 More Than The Lost World

Okay, okay, the “gymanstics versus raptors” scene from Jurassic Park 2 was pretty bad, but JP3 had a little kid who survived on dinosaur island by himself for several days. Not only did he survive, he managed to obtain T-rex piss and used it to fend off other dinosaurs.

…HOW?

Not just how does anyone possess the cajones to write that into a plot, but how does anyone tolerate that but find the impromptu parallel bars scene in The Lost World unforgivable. Yes, the latter was a contrived, ridiculously improbable moment, but it’s at least remotely plausible. (Also, it lasts for all of four seconds.) But a kid surviving alone on an island infested with prehistoric predators who make minced meat of armed mercenaries just because he read a few books about dinosaurs? Bull. Shit. I was reading tomes on dinosaurs when I was a kid too; none of that knowledge would have served me well had I found myself somehow stranded on Isla EverythingWantsToEatMe.

The Lost World had that crazy sequence with the trailers hanging over the cliff side that featured endless intensity. It had the raptors stalking prey through high grass in ever so menacing fashion. The mere idea of Pete Postlethwaite as a big game hunter coolly taking down one of the most legendary Apex predators in the history of existence just gets cooler with each passing year. TLW had a dinosaur rampaging through San Diego. Granted, I still don’t know how the T-rex managed to sneak its way onto the boat or eat everyone on board, even the people in what appeared to be extremely closed quarters, but still, let’s recap:

Tyrannosaurus Rex stomping through San Diego.

Or. Or.

Fourteen-year-old miracle super survivalist living alone on dinosaur island by somehow stealthily filling a thermos with T-Rex urine.

C’mon. C’maaaahhhhn…

Even when I was a kid and was eager to live vicariously through fictional characters I still would have found the latter absurd and the former pretty damn awesomeI know that some people also found The Lost World to be too dark compared to the original, and hated the forced semi-environmentalist message, and those are pretty valid criticisms, but JP3 was the gotdamn Batman Forever of the franchise. It was like everyone involved said “What if we take this cool, exciting story concept and make it as silly as possible. Like, borderline Adam Sandler comedy silly. Remember the scene where Laura Dern had to inspect a pile of dino-shit in the first flick? Let’s do that again, only with more dino-shit and played completely for laughs.” JP3 paved the way for a potentially franchise-crushing Jurassic Park IV that was going to feature dino-human hybrids before the collective disdain of nearly everyone who heard the concept made Universal rethink that approach. That’s an idea that reeks of, “Ah what the hell, this thing is already way off the rails. Let’s see how completely whacked out we can go from here.”

The Lost World is a flawed, flawed film, but JP3 is worthless.

That is all.

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