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Healthy Fears Episode 13: Dead and Unburied

Generally speaking, societies across the world agree that our beloved dead ideally belong in a certain, final resting place, and that place is out of sight. The idea of people who are dead–or who should be dead–remaining among us is a consistent source of horror. In this episode I talk about our fear of dead bodies that aren’t at rest, either because they never were buried or, in the case of Timothy Baterman, from Pet Sematary, because they returned to us.

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Daily Horror History: ‘Braindead’ Comes Home; ‘Friday the 13th’ Opens on its Namesake

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: A guy walks into a room full of zombies carrying a push mower with the blade facing out. This guy–you’re gonna love this–he walks into the throng of zombies with that mower on and the blade spinning and man, he just chews them up into a slippery shower of blood that has to be seen to be believed. He makes it all the way across the room, and I know, you think this is where the joke ends, but actually…heh heh… actually he turns around to see he’s not even half-finished!

Braindead, aka Dead Alive, is the ultimate “splatstick” movie (apologies to Evil Dead 2; I still love you baby, I swear). This is a movie where a martial artist / man of the cloth “sweeps the leg” in the most comedically brutal (and well-choreographed!) way possible before punting a zombie’s head into the night sky. It’s a movie with the aforementioned lawnmower scene, which is partly interrupted so we can see the upper half of a zombie’s head get kitchen blendered into soup. It’s insane. I’m not really even a “gorehound” but I still find it an unbelievably impressive display. It’s a thoroughly disgusting, very well-made, sometimes creepy, more often humorous full tilt indulgence.

Peter Jackson’s brilliant slice of hyper-violence opened in its native New Zealand on August 13th, 1992.

Ten years prior, Friday the 13th Part III became the first movie in the series to actually open on a Friday the 13th, along with being the first movie in the series in which Jason Voorhees dons his signature hockey mask.

It’s also probably the best of the early 80’s 3D horror flicks, a low bar to clear to be sure, but another notch in its belt to go along with being the highest grossing sequel in the original series (no, I’m not counting Freddy vs. Jason as canonical).

The final sequel in the original series–and one of the lowest grossing movie to bear any relation to the series whatsoever–was also released on August 13th; 1993’s Jason Goes to Hell. 

More remembered these days for Jason-hunter Creighton Duke, possibly the film’s lone bright spot save for the infamous cameo at the very, very end, Jason Goes to Hell is one of the least regarded Friday movies. I mean for one thing, Craig is nowhere to be found and with each new movie it becomes apparent how much Smokey is missed and… wait (checks notes)… wrong Friday series. Although now I wouldn’t mind seeing the franchises mashed together; Jason vs. Deebo & Big Worm couldn’t be any worse than Jason Takes Manhattan.

Daily Horror History, July 29th: Killer Monkeys! Italian Zombies vs Commandos!

A movie about a murderous, experimental service monkey that becomes telepathically linked to its quadriplegic owner ought not be half as good as Monkey Shines. George A. Romero is, of course, going to be forever renowned for codifying the most popular, modern version of the zombie (as opposed to the older school Vodun drugged or brainwashed version), but for sheer degree of difficulty alone, Monkey Shines should get more love than it does. Making a terrifying classic about a bunch of cannibalistic undead people is a bit like having a dynastic championship sports team that’s loaded with Hall of Famers; it’s obviously still a remarkable, legendary achievement, but the odds are still highly in your favor. Making a solid horror movie about a psychic, homicidal, lovable-looking service animal more often seen in comedies and family films is like eking out a winning record with a bunch of underachievers. In short, Night of the Living Dead Romero is like Vince Lombardi with Green Bay; Monkey Shines Romero is like Lombardi in Washington.

All of that said, the movie has its limitations. The acting is decent all around, but the performances can’t overcome the fact that we’re still talking about a cute little capuchin named Ella committing horrifying acts and attacks that still kind of come off as cute shenanigans. You ever see one of those “Cute animals amok” family movies and think, “Oh sure, this is presented as all fun and games, but in reality, someone could really get maimed or worse if this actually happened”? That sort of feels like the underlying premise of this movie; like the elevator pitch was “It’s Curious George, except Murderous George.” When Ella throws a plugged-in hair dryer into a bathtub to electrocute someone, for instance, and then scampers out of the bathroom, it feels like a playful prank gone horribly wrong more so than a malicious act of vengeance. Instead of thinking “Someone needs to stop this rampaging animal!” you might find yourself thinking, “Someone needs to put that adorable little munchkin in a corner until it learns that its goofy tricks might be going a little too far.” Ultimately, there’s a reason why we didn’t see any Italian knock-off killer-capuchin horror movies.

Most horror film fans can tell you what kind of Romero-inspired Italian knock-off horror flicks we did receive, however: zombie movies. Fittingly, Italy’s 2nd unofficial Dawn of the Dead sequel, Zombi 3, was released theatrically on July 29th, 1988, the same exact day as Monkey Shines, Romero’s first big studio film.

Zombi 3 doesn’t have anything nearly as memorable as Zombi 2‘s infamous suuuuper slow wooden shank through the eyeball scene, or a zombie vs. shark “fight.” The closest thing the movie has to anything that stands out is a scene of an apparently self-propelled, severed zombie head latching onto a guy’s neck, but as unintentionally humorous as that may sound, the actual visual isn’t even silly enough to elicit a chuckle, just a soft, confused, “Hm?” at most.

The film’s directorship is subject to some debate, as it’s claimed that Bruno Mattei filmed about 40% of it while Lucio Fulci, who directed Zombi 2 and several other Italian horror cult hits, directed the rest before bailing on the film either due to creative differences or illness. While Fulci’s work varies pretty wildly in quality, it’s hard to imagine he directed the bulk of this picture. It doesn’t look like a Fulci film, and even his worst efforts look more stylish than this one. It certainly looks and feels like a Mattei film, given his array “so bad they’re bad” movies, and also given Mattei was just coming off directing two Rambo / Missing in Action rip-offs; Strike Commando and Strike Commando 2. This film might as well be Strike Commandos vs. Zombies so I feel pretty comfortable in assuming that Fulci handed the reins to this one over to Mattei even before he officially left the project.

Unless you’re a zombie-flick completionist, masochist, or both, there’s no need to waste any time with Zombi 3. I’m not even sure the inclusion of Ella the killer capuchin could have salvaged this one.